History of the Hubinator and Bonus Mom - From “you can’t have children” to “can I be a mom”?

If you’d asked me even five years ago if I was ever going to get married I would have laughed at you.  NOPE I was not going to get married.  Beyond that, I had been told by medical professionals since I was eighteen that I couldn’t have children so I had accepted that a long time ago.  I loved being an aunt because in my mind, my niece and nephews were the only kids that were ever going to be in my life.  I was going to be a pet-mom (as in only have fur-babies), and maybe eventually one day a long time down the road I’d finally settle down enough to get married, but not anytime soon.  I had been in a series of long term relationships.  More than once I had made the mistake of thinking “this is the one” only to realize three years later that this wasn’t the one and to feel like a fool.  I had even been engaged before (twice).  I was pretty certain that it wasn’t for me.  I had decided I was ok going against the social norms and not making babies.  My younger sister was married, my younger brother was married with three kids, I was the eldest unmarried, with no children.  I was doing it different.  

I did it so different that when I decided to stop my “adventure” through graduate school in the third year of my doctoral program due to some serious health issues, and my long term relationship ended about a year later, I decided to move out of state.  I had never lived outside of Michigan.  I was born in Michigan, raised in Michigan, went to school in Michigan, and received my Bachelors, Masters, and attempted a PhD all in Michigan.  I felt like a change was in order.  Illinois had opportunity, and I had friends there, so there was a support system already in place.  I visited first and fell in love with the community instantly, and within nearly moments made my decision that I was moving.  I found a place to rent, packed up my things, and with the help of some very good friends, I was moved and unpacked.  I’m not going to pretend like it was all super easy.  It was an adjustment.  But it was the best decision I could have made.  It was so very necessary.  I definitely did need a change.  I had an amazing support system and group of friends, which continued to grow.  I got a great job working at the local YMCA once I was down there a few months.  

Something else happened pretty soon after I moved though... I met someone.  Within the first few weeks after I moved to Illinois I met the Hubinator (he wasn’t the Hubinator yet back then).  We started talking online and eventually, slowly, got to know one another.  I knew he was divorced, with kids, pretty soon into it.  He knew I was new to the area, having left my PhD program, having left my job, now an artist working for myself.  We both were unique in that we weren’t interested in hiding anything and we weren’t interested in false pretenses.  About two weeks later he asked me out on a date.  We lived about an hour apart so he came to my city and took me out to lunch and then we went on a long walk (in the rain-- which was cute.  Not everyone can pull off making a walk in the rain pleasant, but he did!)  We went back to my apartment and talked some more.  I remember that we had a ton to talk about.  When he left, we both said we’d like to do it again, and we did.  

We continued to date regularly and the frequency grew.  Sometimes he’d come to visit me, sometimes I’d come to visit him.  It worked well for us to share the commute and driving.  He and his ex-wife had a joint custody arrangement with a 3/day rotation so there was always at least 3 days off in between visits, often times a full week or more in the beginning because we didn’t make visits during the week when he was working.  

Fairly early on we both discussed the fact that neither of us thought it was a good idea to introduce the kids to me until we were both very sure that he and I were going to be together for a long time.  We both felt that children experience loss enough, especially when they are coming from situations of divorce.  We didn’t want to be responsible for building a relationship with them, and then being the ones to take that relationship away if something happened between us.   

As time went on, we revisited this discussion and we continually decide for one reason, or another, that the time was not yet right. Admittedly, this was almost always because I freaked out.  The idea of meeting the kids scared the crap out of me.  The fact is that my experience growing up with my first step mom (my dad has remarried twice) wasn’t fantastic.  In fact, it wasn’t good at all.  I didn’t want that for them, or for myself.  I am a logical woman who knew it did not have to be the same thing, but I feared that it could be like that.  In addition, as a society we hear horror stories about crazy ex wives, angry step-children, horrible wicked step-mothers, and I didn’t want to be associated with, or to become, any of those things.  Again, I knew that there were other options and other realities, but I was admittedly scared.  Motherhood is scary.  Step mothering and bonus mothering is terrifying in some of the same and some unique ways.  I say that now as a fact.  But then it was a just a fear.  

When the holidays rolled around, we began to realize it was time to meet one another’s families.  We knew we were serious.  We had been having more serious conversations. We also knew we wanted to do this before we brought the kids into it, just so that it’d be done.  So Thanksgiving we invited his parents to join us for dinner at his house.  It was just the four of us and I fixed a feast.  I cooked for three days.  I love to cook.  We had four pies for four people- literally.  Can we say overkill?  That said, his dad said it was the best meal he had ever eaten in that house... and we’ll just say that I’m not the only wife who lived there :).  So I took that as a very big compliment :D.  Way to hit the first time I met the in-laws out of the ballpark!  (They weren’t the in-laws yet).   Beyond the compliments about food though, his parents and I got along great, and that felt really fantastic.  We decided why not keep the ball going.  Christmas came around and we headed to Michigan where he met my mom and her side of the family.   Everyone loved the Hubinator!  People were pulling me into rooms to tell me how great he was.  My niece and nephews loved him.  My youngest nephew started putting “uncle” in the front of his name automatically-- funny how kids just start doing things like that.  

On our drive back to illinois after visiting the Michigan family, we had another talk about me meeting the kids.  This time we both agreed.  It was time.  We had met each other’s families.  Everyone approved. It was time to meet the kids. We also agreed that the new year would be a great time to do it.  What a way to start a new year-- by bringing in a new person who hopefully would be a new face who was going to be around a lot more, and maybe someday, a WHOLE LOT more (of course we wouldn’t introduce it to the kids quite like that!).  So the Hubinator and I set out to plan a super special day for Jan 1, 2012, where I would meet his kiddos for the first time.  We’d have special food, extra special snacks and treats, I’d do art and crafts (some of my specialties) with them to show them some of the reasons I was cool, and my “selling points” if you will.  Maybe we’d watch a movie together or something.  And then I’d leave and they would continue to hang out with their dad.  

To be continued … in Part two you’ll find out how this first meeting went, and how the first year has turned out for the Hubinator and I.