Bonus mom is back!!!

I'm back!  ...

And boy does it feel good to be back!!! :)

I don't need to tell you that it's been a while since I wrote a post to my blog.  There are a lot of reasons for that.  But it feels GOOD to be back here, and be ready to be writing again.  It feels good to no longer feel like I don't know what I would write about, or like I'm not capable of writing about being a bonus mom.  It feels good to be over that hump in life.

For a while my health was REALLY bad.  I had mentioned in a previous post that I had been struggling with my health.  I have a feeling that more posts will talk about my new adventures with my healthcare and all that I am learning and how, in many ways, I am becoming more similar to my kiddo #1 in some ways since the doctors have started to figure out what is going on.  Either way, I am on my road to recovery and I am beginning to feel better.  I am so grateful to my friends, family, and kiddos for their support-- it was not an easy road.  No doubt, as things got really rough, it made it hard to want to do anything, especially blog about being a mom, when I didn't feel like a very good one on most days.

And then there is the Bio mom.  Anyone who has followed my blog knows I don't write about the Hubinator's ex-wife often.  I largely stay off of that topic unless I have nice things to say.  I try to abide by "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".  I know I am blogging online and the last thing I would want is for our kiddos to see me write something awful about their bio mom.  In my opinion that's just bad parenting.  That all said, anyone who bonus or step parents knows that it's hard work, and there are often some serious challenges that come along with the political waters between ex-wives and ex-husbands.  In the past six months the tensions have risen to points that I, never having been in this situation before I married the Hubinator, couldn't have imagined.  Ok- well perhaps I could have imagined them... but I certainly would have thought they were for movies-- not that actual people behaved those ways.  The stress level for us, and more so for our kiddos has been astronomical.  And, I have had an entirely new level of pain and sadness to learn to cope with as a bonus mom.  I have wanted to protect these two innocent children, to take t heir pain away, to stop them from being hurt, and manipulated, and emotionally used, abused, and scarred, and in this situation, as simply a bonus mom and thus... pretty incapable of making any useful changes to the situation... I feel very inadequate at protecting and parenting.  In addition, I have become the target of bio mom's attacks and she has targeted my relationship with the kiddos, as well as me as a person, and my parenting skills in general.  This hasn't helped the situation either.  So... all in all things have been rough, and ... because I haven't always been comfortable writing about this, and haven't been sure HOW to write about it, I've just avoided writing all together.  I'm still not sure if that was the right choice, but it's the one I made.

In my time away, some big things have happened.  Most significantly, I started my own business!  I am now working at home selling Scentsy Family products.  For those who aren't aware or haven't heard of Scentsy Family, Inc.  it started out as a wickless candle company.  It has now expanded into multiple brands.  I sell Scentsy Fragrance which includes our wickless candle warmers, scent bars, other scent accessories, Buddies (stuffed animals), and our Layer's line -- which is a bath and body line of products.  I also sell our Velata brand-- which is a fun Fondue line featuring Premium Belgian Chocolate, Creamy Cheesy Fondue, and Fondue warmers and accessories.   I cannot begin to tell you how great this has been!  I am bringing in money again to help support the family which is great for all of us, but great for my sense of self.  I am learning about business through the many trainings they offer.  I am making TONS of friends which is fantastic.  It's been a great boost to my self esteem.  I am able to do fundraising so it's a way for me to be giving back to my community and to organizations I care about, which is incredibly important to me.  And it's great because I am able to demonstrate to the kiddos how I can be at home and still be a working mom.  I LOVE that I can be and do both.  And... the kids love Scentsy and velata too :).

Through Scentsy, I have met some other bonus moms.  It is some of those bonus moms and moms in general who have actually given me such support in the past month, that it's inspired me to start writing my blog again.  So to them, I dedicate my first post back.  Thanks to Kat, Courtney, and Jennifer :).

And if you're interested in Scentsy or Velata... check out my websites  or  find me on facebook ;)
www.angealboruk.scentsy.us  and  www.angelaboruk.velata.us
www.facebook.com/kickthewickwithangelab
www.facebook.com/funfonduewithangelab

Bonus Mom Chef Talks Love... Cupid, Hearts, and Valentines

Ah, Valentine’s Day.  

I remember when Valentine’s Day was all about school parties, and making heart-shaped “mail boxes” to hang on my school desk to collect the valentines from my class-mates.  I remember when it was about bringing treats for the party, and valentines for my friends, and gushing over the fact that the boy in my third-grade class that I had a crush on gave me the coolest valentine and wondering for days if it meant he had a crush on me too.

I remember when Valentine’s Day was about Chocolate Candy, Balloons, Teddy Bears, and Flowers... high school-- those certainly were some times.  Some of us were getting them from boyfriends, others of us were sending them back and forth to best girl friends, and others were getting them from their parents.  (I admittedly never understood why people’s parents sent them these things on Valentine’s Day to their school, and I still struggle to wrap my head around it, although as a parent I better understand the idea of teaching kids about love as a much broader concept than just romantic love... but the idea of sending this stuff to school still boggles me.)  

Then there were the times when it meant a nice dinner, still maybe some flowers, possibly some chocolates.  A hope that whatever steady boyfriend in college would plan some seriously romantic and magical evening, usually followed by some significant level of disappointment.  That was of course before the phase when I found myself single on Valentine's Day a few years in a row.  Those years I joined with the single peoples’ movement of refusing to celebrate Valentine's Day and insisted it was "only a marketing scheme orchestrated by Hallmark".  

Eventually I started dating again and I eased up on all of this ridiculousness, from one end to the other of the spectrum, and Valentine’s Day just became a day like any other.  This is because I realized something very important to me and my own philosophy of love-- there is no point in doing anything on Valentine’s Day if we haven’t spent every other day of the year showing all of the people we love and care about in our lives how we feel about them, and how important they are to us.  Valentine’s Day is a day dedicated to this, and it can be special, but really, it shouldn’t be that much more special than our overall relationships with people in general.  

Now I am a bonus mom.   For parents Valentine's Day is about a lot more.  It’s about our spouses and finding a special way to recognize the love we share with them.  It’s also about us finding a special way to be sure to let our kiddos know how much we love them and let them know on that day that they have a special piece of our hearts.  And of course it’s about us teaching our kiddos what love and Valentine’s Day is all about.  It’s our chance to teach them that it is, in fact, not just a marketing thing, and that it is a day that is just a highlight of the relationships that we build and work on all year long.  Then, there will always be the fact that for parents, there is also the responsibility of helping our kiddos to make the valentines for school, for their friends, for family members; and all of the other crafts that come along with any holiday.  There are some great resources I’ve come across this year to help facilitate many of these things and I am excited to share them with you all.  

I think that teaching our kids about love is so very crucial.  Especially today when “love” is defined in some very peculiar ways by mainstream media.  I think it’s important to make sure our kids understand that love is something that we can feel towards all sorts of human beings, regardless of if we know them or not.  Love is something that we can feel towards non-human beings (animals, nature) as well.  Beyond this, I think it is important that as their age permits, we begin to help children understand that romantic love does not necessarily have anything to do with sex.  (Although I do believe that a comprehensive education on sex is also important, and it’s connection to love is vital, but love needs to be and should be taught separate from this entirely!) And the lessons go on.  

There are some great books out there that do a fantastic job at talking about love... many of them are picture books.  Picture books are great for younger kids, but I firmly believe that picture books, used in the right way, are even great conversation starters for slightly older kids.  So long as they do not feel that you’re treating them like they are younger than they are, and you choose the right book, it can still be a fun engaging way to begin a conversation.  Last week one of the blogs I followed had a great post about a selection of childrens books that are fantastic for teaching kids about love-- 14 Books about Love. These are fantastic in general, not just related to Valentine’s Day (although they work great then too!)  I remember thinking that I wanted to reference it in my Valentine’s Day Post.  You should totally check it out!  

In addition to books to help teach our children about love, and to help facilitate conversation, I am an avid supporter of the arts and I strongly believe in using the arts both as a way to directly educate and help children express their ideas and thoughts, but also as a means of helping to facilitate and start conversation in the family.  I came across a blog post by Hands On As We Grow for a homemade heartshaped birdfeeder.  I loved this craft idea because it was heart shaped thus going along with the love idea, but also because it related back to the idea that love is something that we can spread to people, and things, and animals, that we don’t know personally all that well.  I also liked it, because it was a nature craft that is perfect for these cold months.  Lets face it, nature crafts in the cold winter months aren’t always easy to come by!  This is a win in my book!  

My last Valentine’s Day resource I’d like to share with you is a blog post I came across this week, also from Hands On As We Grow, for 33 super cute kids valentines for school.  I would suggest that these don’t need to just be for school, but could also be for siblings, family friends, their friends, or family members.  What I loved about these is that they are, in fact, handmade/homemade.  I personally am always trying to teach our kiddos the value in handmade and homemade gifts.  And, if you are like many parents out there, there are at least a handful of these that you can still pull off if you are at the last minute this week realizing that you need valentines for someone!  (Oh, and mom (and dad)-- you could easily spice one of these up a little and give it to the kiddos, or to the other parent and they would love it too!)  

So, hopefully with my few memories of Valentine’s Day you’ve had some memories come back to you.  And hopefully, you also have gotten some ideas either to share with kiddos in your life, or to do yourself this Valentine’s Day or one in the future!  

Happy Valentine’s Day!  
You are ALL Loved!  

Bonus Mom Chef Introduces "Sick Mom"-- her Secret Other Half

Wow.  

It’s been awhile since I blogged.  It’s been a difficult few weeks for my family and I.  I haven’t spoken about my health on the blog yet and I guess I had made a conscious decision to do that.  It had been one area of my life where all of my health issues hadn’t affected things.  It felt like an area I had somehow preserved and kept safe and managed to keep “untainted”.  Well, there went that-- or so it feels.  

If being sick-- really sick-- is hard... the only thing harder in my opinion... is being sick and being a mom (in my case, a bonus mom).  I put a lot of pressure on myself to do things RIGHT.  I want to be the BEST bonus mom I can be.  I want to do it the right way, the best way, all the time.  I am by far my toughest critic.  So when my health gets in my way, be that a cold that has me not wanting to do that crafty activity I had promised, or skin cancer biopsies that have me feeling not quite myself, or a new seizure disorder that has me having seizures multiple times a weekend (or day) and feeling all sorts of like crap, I do not exactly consider it a valid excuse to let my parenting responsibilities go.  That’s been what my life has been like the past few months.  Well... truthfully... since August 2012.  It just has been progressively getting worse, and worse and worse.  And the doctors are continually getting more and more and more perplexed.  And my bonus kiddos are progressively getting more and more and more confused and frustrated as to why their bonus mom isn’t her “fun” and/or “normal” self.  

Lately we’d been making some headway with some specialists and getting some tests done and we thought we were getting some answers, and then, in the last couple of weeks the seizures really ramped up.  And then this past weekend, I started having some cardiac issues-- serious cardiac issues, and spent a good 12 hours in the Emergency Room having many tests done with some very wonderful, but very concerned doctors and nurses (not to mention one very concerned Hubinator!).  

So this brings me to this post.  I went on a bit of a hiatus for a little while (a couple weeks), but I’m back :).  Truthfully, this blog brings me joy.  It gives me something that I can still do, despite the limitations I have upon myself, and that feels good.  And, now that I have opened up as to this ultra personal part about myself … I can also blog about what it’s like to be a bonus mom who is also struggling with some health issues in her life... because lets face it-- that’s not easy, and there are a number of mom’s out there (bonus and bio) … and dads for that matter... who are dealing with those challenges everyday!  

Happy Mid-February Everyone!  I’m glad to be back and I’m looking forward to the next posts!  I have some fun ones planned for us!  

Comparing Pets and Children... Yup... I did it!

Life with dogs is never boring.

Goodness knows bonus kiddos keep you on your toes at all times too. This afternoon for example, I am reminded that they never let you forget to feed them,  The dogs!  I am talking about the dogs... the dogs never let me forget to feed them.  Honestly, I’m good about remembering to feed kiddo #1 and kiddo #2, I swear!  Although, they too are very much like the dogs in that the kiddos and the dogs both start begging for food hours before it’s meal time.  The difference is that the kiddos have snack time, the dogs do not.  The other difference is that the dogs eat their “dinner” at 3pm-- the kids are still at school lol!  

Alright, so at this point I can hear some of you already.  “She is not comparing her (bonus) children to animals *GASP*!”  Yes.  I am.  That is right folks.  Getting married.  Becoming a bonus mom.  LOVING being a mom.  None of that has changed my opinio.  Nor has it caused me to have some sort of enlightenment or epiphany about the act of comparing children to pets.  

So to my dear friends and family who have gotten your underoos tangled over this in the past, readers who may be pulling at tangles from unmentionable places as I type now, and others, all or any of whom have hypothesized that it was because I was some sort of *insert nasty term/adjective here*-single-childless-pet-owning-person and that I just didn’t understand that it was wrong.  Nope.  I love motherhood.  L.O.V.E. it.  I love motherhood down to the very fibers and cells that make up my being.  I love my bonus children more than life itself.  Some people can’t understand that, and that is ok.  Some people sometimes doubt how someone who didn’t physically birth a child could feel that way (note they don’t doubt it about parents of adopted children, or other non-traditional families, but only of step and blended families, but I digress).  Regardless, I know how I feel and I reassure you, there is nothing wrong intrinsically with comparing children and pet ownership.  There are differences, I don’t deny that.  And saying there are similarities doesn’t suddenly turn your child into flat faced, although undeniably adorable, little pugs with bulging eyeballs. If you think it does, perhaps the problem is not with me not following social parenting protocols, but with your insecurities of yourself and your child.  Oh, I wasn’t supposed to say that either, was I?  Ok, well then lets resume the topic I was discussing originally... how my bonus kids are like, and unlike, my dogs :).  

As I was about to say, unlike my bonus kiddos, our dogs will eat almost anything.  This includes things that aren’t supposed to be edible lol.  Like burnt rice.  Yesterday I attempted to cook some rice ahead of time because we had a 4:40pm appointment to be at, so I figured I’d cook everything, rice included, ahead of time, and then just heat dinner up again when we got back.  Of course, I was also trying to do everything else I needed to be doing, and as I often do when I’m not paying attention to rice, I burnt it.  I know, it’s an amazing skill.  I am not sure exactly how I burn rice so consistently either, it’s ok to be shaking your head right now, no judgement from me.  Sometimes I think I should begin to do experiments on things to do only with burnt rice because... there has to be other people out there doing that if I am doing it, right?  I of course saved it, and asked the Hubinator to try it when he got home.  Such a lucky man, the Hubinator.  Usually he gets to try sauces, and stews, and chilis, and rice pilafs that taste yummy, but sometimes, I save him the stuff like burnt rice!  mmm Yu...ck!  The last time I did this, I scooped out the rice that looked normal and tried to pass it off.  It had that horrible taste that burnt popcorn has.  He didn’t fall for it.  Dinner was ruined.  This time I admitted what I had done, but asked him to taste it before I had to throw it all away.  Of course, it tasted horrible again.  Before I threw it away, he had the brilliant idea to save it and mix it in with the dog’s food.  The hubinator always has great ideas, but sometimes they really are out of this world original.  He knows I do not like to waste food, even when I have burnt it and no one would eat it.  And he knows I like to make my dogs happy.  He was really thinking this time.  I wouldn’t have thought of this one.  Rice doesn’t upset their tummies, but they still think they are getting some amazing people food.  Such a great idea!  And what a dog food-stretcher too.  That stuff is not cheap, so of course the thrifty part of Bonus Mom Chef also got all geeked out too!  This is where we get to this thing is not like the other.  That is, the kiddos would have never eaten it lol.  Not only did the dogs eat it today, they picked the rice out and stuck their noses up at the kibble as if it was burnt haha.  Oh, haha, I guess that is one way the dogs and the kids are the same; I bet if I had put kibble in front of the kiddos today, they would have also stuck their noses up in the air!  

Another way the dogs and kiddo #2 is the same... if you feed the dogs or kiddo #2 sausage... you should prepare to wear a gas mask that evening.  LOL!  

I like these comparisons as I often draw them and giggle because I know it’s taboo amongst some parenting crowds to do it.  I think I’ll make it a habit to continue these posts every so often :)   I hope you enjoyed :) If you compare your kids to your pets, drop me a comment and let me know how they are similar or different!  I can’t wait to hear your thoughts :)

My Ears Bleed and My Heart Breaks

Struggling.

I said the next post would be a couponing 101 post.  I’m afraid that’s going to wait, because I need to write something else tonight, but I promise that couponing 101 is in the works!  

I’m struggling.  So far Bonus Mom Chef has been mostly glitter and sparkles, puppy dogs, ice cream and rainbows... … … but lets face it, we all know that blended families have a darker side.  Heck parenting in general has a darker side.  It’s a lot of hard work, a whole lot of challenges, and we as parents have to hold on to all of the little bright shiny moments, as small as they may be, to get us through the louder, tougher moments.  That’s not to say there aren’t fantastic moments also-- just that during certain points in our children’s lives, they occur much less often.  In our household, we are in one of those “challenging” and “much less often” periods.  Everyone.Is.Feeling.It.  It breaks your heart as a parent- or at least it does for the Hubinator and I.  We want our children to be healthy and happy.  We also know we have responsibilities to raise responsibly and healthy, respectful kids who become well functioning adults and citizens.  The nature of that process means that you’re going to get kids who are unhappy.  

I could go on for a while, but let me get to the point.  Specifically I’m struggling tonight over something that has been building in me, and in our household.  Part of me wonders if this might not be part of the problem.  I continually address it to the best of my ability each time that it comes up, but it generally gets blown off by whichever kiddo is the “offender” (usually our youngest).  

Our son, who will be twelve in a few months, has a not-so-great habit of jokingly referring to situations and/or people as “suicidal”, or “attempts to kill one’s self/ his-self/ her-self”.  I have zero tolerance for this.  I find it absolutely repulsive.  If it were up to me It would be treated the same as if he had dropped the N-word or some other totally offensive four letter word, or the R-word in our home.  Unfortunately, I am not getting the same reaction from the Hubinator as he doesn’t have as strong of feelings regarding this issue.  And that is ok-- parents do not always have to agree.  I want to stress that in here.  The Hubinator and I often do not always see totally eye to eye and yet we have a magical way of working things out.  I love that about the way we parent together.  This situation however, is making me really uncomfortable.  Nauseated even, when it happens.  

We all know the rate of suicide amongst youth.  We all know the rate of depression amongst youth.  The chances that my bonus son knows, or will soon know, someone in his middle school who has some sort of suicidal feelings are pretty high.  It is terribly sad and my eyes fill with tears as I write this as my heart breaks thinking about this other child-- but it’s a fact.  My heart breaks even more so with the thought that it is our son whose thoughtless, careless and ignorant behavior and words could be heard by this individual and be so damaging.  Is my son only eleven?  Yes.  But there are other children his age, in his school, dealing with these issues.  In addition, it is now in his regular vocabulary to throw around these terms and phrases.  So then is it not my responsibility as a parent to educate him as to how inappropriate those words are, and how serious the issues that he is making light are, and why it’s completely and totally unacceptable in our home and family to do such?  Isn’t it my job to set a moral and ethical bar for our children to live up to?  Not my job alone- I’m bonus mom, I get that.  

Is this one of those times that I’m overstepping my role?  If so-- then how does a bonus mom/ step- parent deal with that sort of feeling and fact and internal conflict?  

This is not one of those blog posts that ends in a neatly tied up bow and conclusion.  This unfortunately does not have an answer... yet.  Hopefully one day I’ll post that we figured out how to handle this in our home.  If we do, I’ll certainly update!  

In the meantime, if any of you have suggestions, comments, feelings, ideas, opinions, etc., please feel free to leave them in the comments. :)  

Confession: Bonus Mom Chef is a crazy couponing mom!

At first it was just a fascination. That is, I was just fascinated with the Extreme Couponing show that took many people by surprise.  Just like so many of us have realized, once that show began to air, stores began to change their coupon policies, and manufacturers began to crack down on coupon policies in order to make it harder for individuals to be able to do that sort of extreme couponing.  That doesn’t, however, mean that you can’t still get some pretty awesome deals... and even steals!  It does mean that you aren’t going to get truckloads of cereal for free.  Frankly, not many of us need truckloads of cereal for free.  This blog post is about how I have learned to reduce the costs of my family’s average grocery and consumable bill.  That is-- reducing how much we spend on eating, cleaning, washing, wiping... the things we do every month.  

So as I said, I first became fascinated with the extreme couponers based on the TV show Extreme Couponing.  When I say “i first became fascinated” I mean-- I loved watching the show, but I always told myself that “I don’t have time to do that” and “I don’t need that much of that stuff” and “I don’t have those same stores around me”.  I found every excuse in the book as to why there was no way I could ever do that.  Oh, don’t forget “I have no where to keep all that crap”.  I just loved seeing other people do it, and dreaming about saving all that money.  So for a couple of years, before I was married, I just watched the show in envy of what others did.  

Then as I began dating the Hubinator and realizing just HOW MUCH money it takes to feed, cover, clean, wash, and wipe a family I started to pay more attention to the show.  I still felt totally overwhelmed with the time it took these people, the methods they used-- climbing into dumpsters, searching on websites for coupons, using large paper cutters, enlisting friends and children to help, calling friends to stand in line with them at the check out, getting moving trucks to get their groceries home, storing dry goods in their children's bedrooms, etc.  There was more of a desire to save the money though as I knew that we really could use the help and needed to be saving money. 
 It was only a matter of time...

Once I was moved in, and married, and a part of the household, grocery lists and grocery shopping was my job.  It happened to work out that I usually did the cooking.  This was fine-- I am good at it, I love doing it, and I was typically home in the afternoon, so it made a lot more sense for me to start dinner.   This also meant that it makes a lot more sense if I am the one who then makes the list(s) since I know what we need.  As such, it then left the “how much we are spending” on my shoulders.  So one day I convinced the Hubinator to sit down and watch one of these “extreme couponing” shows with me.  

Now, something you need to know about the Hubinator is that he’s very critically minded.  He’s logical.  He’s always looking for the science behind the magician’s magic- if you will.  So when these people claimed they were getting things for free-- he had a very hard time believing that.  In addition, he had the same reactions I did-- “How much time are they spending doing it?”, “They are going through dumpsters?!”, “How is this possible?”, “This doesn’t seem logical- at all!”.  

Something else you need to know about the Hubinator is that he doesn’t stop at being skeptical!  He’s always out to find the truth.  So, he began investigating and looking into these things.  Of course, he wanted to remain as open minded as possible, and because he’s a good hubinator and knew I was interested in this, he agreed to watch a few more episodes of the show to try to understand what on earth his wife was up to and had gotten into her brain waves.  

In my defense, I did tell him from the very beginning that I wasn’t interested in doing it to the extent that these individuals did couponing, but I wanted him to see the show so that he understood that we could save more than a couple dollars.  I wanted him to understand that I believed there was an opportunity for real savings here.  

In our investigations we learned that, as I explained a bit earlier, the manufacturers have changed a lot of their policies since Extreme Couponing began originally airing.  Most, if not all,  stores also have changed their coupon policies.  In addition, many coupon clearing houses have also changed their policies and have seriously cracked down on couponers.    

What this meant for me, was that I knew a few people who did coupon in this “crazy” way already.  So I wanted to find out where they had learned about it.  I also wanted to find resources that were out there on how to legitimately do it -- how to do it legally.  I wanted to find out what the new policies were, since the ones in the show weren’t correct.  

In the meantime, after a few more episodes... Hubinator was really warming up to the idea of saving money on the monthly “haul” as we called it :).  These were exciting times!  

So, I did a LOT of research.  

I talked to my friends who were doing the couponing thing.  I talked to them about what websites they followed, what Facebook pages they “liked” and got updates from.  Everyone kept talking about The Krazy Coupon Lady.  In addition to her blog and website which is amazing and very informative.  She has a facebook also which gives you updates to everything that is currently going on sale and also has coupons available to double up with it.  (*note- the idea of pairing coupons with sales is key and one I’ll be discussing in my next blog post “Bonus Mom Chef on Couponing 101”)

After doing my research I decided to give it a go.  I went out bought a sunday paper, clipped coupons, checked all of the ads, used my mperks (The coupon program through Meijer) and in September, we did our first try at it.  And I did a pretty decent job at saving.  I didn’t really save receipts or anything yet at that point.  I remember it was about 30% I saved total.  Not too shabby.  That was from coupons/sales etc. all combined.  

In October I did everything the same as September and had similar success.

November changed it all...

In November we had Thanksgiving that we were buying for and the pressure was on.  I spent extra time scouring the ads, comparison shopping.  I had also learned about online coupons by this point (www.coupons.com is the best site I’ve found so far).  I also had found that certain products will offer coupons on their facebook page, etc.  As a household with a child who eats Gluten-Free this is a big deal as we now get $1 off coupons for many gluten free products each month which adds up.  

In November we saved more than we spent in our monthly haul!  This was HUGE!!!  This is the first month that I began saving all of my receipts.  This is also the first month that I started making notes of how much things went on sale for, as well as their base price so that I could make note of when something was a good sale etc.  

December came around and it was the holiday season and the pressure was even more so on than it had been the month before.  Once again I did all of the same things I had in the month before, including the online coupons.  For a second month in a row, I saved roughly what we spent.  In addition, the Hubinator needed a winter coat and we got a $140 winter coat for less than $30 pairing sales, clearance, mperks, free shipping, etc.  

It is important to note that unlike some of the more experienced couponing individuals, until recently I had only carried the coupons that I would be using with me.  Then, one day the Hubinator and I stopped at the store to pick up two things in a “quick visit” between monthly hauls.  I had the two coupons I would need.  And because I didn’t have my other coupons with me, we missed out on some other great buys.  It was in that visit that the Hubinator said to me “you need to get yourself one of those coupon binders”.  He was referencing the coupon binders that the other couponers carry.  So... before January’s haul, I came home and created something that would organize my coupons.  I did not want to spend the money on a binder just yet.  So I came up with an organizational system that isn’t as great because you can’t see everything which isn’t as easy in the store, but that did work, and it was tested in January, and it will work just fine until the day when I do decide to spend the money on a Binder (maybe it’d be a good mother’s day gift -- hint hint!).  

Most recently, this month I was able to save MORE than we spent.  What this means is that we came home with a total value in product (groceries, toilet paper, pet food, paper towel, soap, etc.) that was more than double what we paid.  This month, the value of what we saved, was more than the value of what we spent.  So we got more in free stuff, than we ended up paying for.  AMAZING!  And-- because I’m careful and planning things out, I’m only buying things that we’d use anyways, so I’m not using coupons “just because I have them”-- which I do believe is a common trap that manufacturers expect consumers to fall into.  

Thanksgiving, Christmas, and just generally the overall quality of meals in our house wouldn’t be possible if it weren’t for these newly gained skills that I am so thankful for.  I love seeing how much I can save.  But I love even more seeing how much I more the hubinator and I can provide for our family by me learning these new skills.  

Teaching "couponing".

I have also had the opportunity to share these skills recently with a couple of friends, two of them who are partnered together, and one friend who has a family of her own and is interested in learning what we are doing so she can start to save money for her husband and sons.  It was through this sharing that I decided that this really needed to be a blog entry.  It’s a big part of my life, and my family.  Beyond that, others could be learning from it.  It’s a skill that you have to learn.  I had to be inspired, and then go out and hunt down the information.  As such, my next blog post will be a “couponing 101” that I’ve written up that I’ve given to the two aforementioned groups of friends who have asked for my “how to” to get them started.  Hopefully this will inspire someone else out there.  

If you’re couponing, big or little, i’d love to hear from you!  If this inspires you, please leave a comment and let me know.  If you would like help getting started, I’d be more than happy to lend a hand!  Just ask :)  

I'd Be Willing To Sell an Organ If...

Feeling helpless as a parent seriously sucks.  I personally think it sucks more as a bonus parent as I personally feel like the pressure is always on to do and be as perfect as possible all the time and always be proving my "parental"-ness if you will.  Tonight that's just not working out for me.  More than that, it's not working out for kiddo #2.

Kiddo #2 is sick :(. By far the hardest thing about being a mom since I have started this bonus mom adventure has been having sick kids. All I want to do is to make it go away for them. When they are sick, or hurt, something inside of me is breaking in a way that I can't possibly explain. It's the most awful thing-- ever. Parents get this, I know that. I didn't understand it until I became a parent. Sure, I empathized with people and children before that! But this, lordy, this is totally different. There are moments when kiddo #2 is throwing up that I"d sell my organs if it meant she felt better and it would stop what she was experiencing and feeling at that instant, right then, right there.


Poor kiddo... I hope she feels better soon. There is only so much tummy tea I can make and so many times I can say "is there anything else I can do for you?"  Bowls, blankets, pillows, fan on, fan off.  My skills seem pretty limited right now.

What a Bonus Mom Is (and Is Not)

What is a “Bonus Mom”?

• It’s a bonus.  
• It’s an addition.
• It’s an extra set of arms, an extra heart. an extra set of ears.
• It’s an extra person to help with homework. It’s an extra birthday cake.
  It’s an extra mom... bonus mom.

What it’s not:

• It’s not a replacement.
• It’s not better.
• It’s not a comparison.
• It’s not a competition.

Why my family uses the term “bonus mom”.

Some of you are wondering what the heck a “bonus mom” is and why we use that term in our family.  We use the term because “step mom”, while I respect the pants off those women and families who choose to use it, does have a lot of negative connotation attached to it.  In our family, the kiddos, hubinator and I decided we preferred to use a different term to refer to myself and my relationship to the kiddos.  It’s not hard to think of a whole slew of disney and non disney movies where the “evil stepmom” is a witch or other awful human being.  Yet there aren’t a whole lot of stories in our culture teaching our children to think anything about “bonus mom’s” before they can make their own evaluations of their family’s situation.  It provides a way for the kiddos to go into the situation with a clean slate.  Sure-- they know to some extent it’s the same thing.  But it takes all the loaded crud associated with one, out of the scenario.  
Believe it or not, while it seems like it should be that simple, or at least it does to me and many other people, it’s not always.  There are some people out there in the world who think it’s their business to police all sorts of things, including who should call whom what in families.  As such there are all sorts of politics around what step moms should and should not be called.  I’m not going to get into that here.  What I will do is give you some background into my mommyhood experience and why, exactly, my bonus kids are a bonus for me.  I will also explain, precisely, what a bonus mom is, and is not, in an effort to clear up any confusion that may still exist. 

More personal about me and mommyhood.

I can’t have bio kids of my own... so they are my bonus too-- life’s bonus :)  I got an amazing husband in life... I won the husband lottery.  I also won the “in-law” lottery as my in-laws are pretty darn amazing.  In addition, I also won the bonus mom lottery!  I was given an opportunity to parent, to be a “mom” -- to love two more kids (because I have other children in my life in the form of other relatives).  It’s a gift and privilege that no one can understand unless they are a parent.  This is also a gift/ experience that no one can understand unless they are a bonus/step parent, or at the very least married to one, because with it comes a whole set of challenges, emotions, and day to day battles, internal and external, that biological parents don’t experience.  Bonus parents and blended families experience things that two bio-parent families, adopted-parent families, and single parent families don’t.  All families have their own gifts, their own challenges, and their own “adventures”.  All parents offer something different to give to their children.  A “bonus mom” offers a unique gift in that she’s an addition parent.  She’s a parent on top of the two parents the child already has.  She’s an extra set of everything.  

I am a second-generation bonus mom.  

My parents divorced with I was four and a half years old.  I grew up in a single parent home with my mom.  My mother never remarried, but she did date occasionally and throughout my childhood she had a couple of long-term relationships.  In this way I built relationships with other adults and learned the value of their place in my life.  

My father remarried when we were very young.  It was a less than fantastic experience for all involved, but some had better experiences than others.  My first step-mother and I did not have a good relationship.  (Yes, here I did use the term step-mom because that is what term our family chose to use.)    Eventually, some years later that relationship ended in divorce.  

Then my father met another woman whom he eventually married.  This is the woman who today, I refer to as my own Bonus Mom.  She is exactly that... an additional mom.  She’s never tried to take the place of my mom.  I have a mom.  She has always respected that relationship.  Instead my Bonus Mom and I have been able to build an additional mother/daughter relationship.  It is in this way that it is a “bonus”.  Most people have one “mom”, I have two.  (And actually, I have my mom, my bonus mom, my mother-in-law, my grandmother, and my late grandmother... along with all of the mothers of friends who we come to adopt as “mothers” of sorts as we pass through life).  No one ever replaces our first mom.  My mom will always be my mom, and she knows that.  But each of my relationships with each of these women is special in their own way and brings something different to my life.  Thus, in the way that we call one a “grandma” or “grams” or “nana” or “grandma great” or “mima” some of us call one of them “bonus mom”.  

History of the Hubinator and Bonus Mom Pt 2- “Will you marry us?”

So New Years day last year rolled around, and it was a pretty special day indeed.  I did end up meeting the Hubinator’s kids just like we had planned.  We had all sorts of snacks and special treats I had made them.  I had planned some art activities, and we played some games.  It was a lot of fun.  The kids seemed to enjoy themselves, and everyone was laughing and smiling, which was the most important part to me.  Day one worked.  I found myself thinking “ok this isn’t so bad.  These kids are pretty cool.  I think I can do this”.  

During college I was an arts and crafts director during the summers.  Then, during my graduate studies I took credits on top of my regular course work to get a concurrent degree in holistic health and art therapy.  In addition to both of those things, I’d always done art and crafting as hobbies.  So to say that I brought a few art and crafting skills into this relationship with the kiddos is an understatement.  The kiddos quickly learned that this woman their dad met had all sorts of crazy fun stuff up her sleeve.  Science experiments, Ice cream in baggies, Fairies in jars, Art projects galore, neato-repeato camp songs (and dances)... and the list went on.  In addition, I’m a crazy kitchen chemist lady.  I love exploring in the kitchen.  The kiddos, they love eating and testing out my experiments.  This works out quite well.  I learned quickly that these were my “secret weapons” if you will … that would help me conquer the world of “bonus moming”.  When someone is upset, when someone is having a bad day, when someone isn’t sure if they like that I helped dad come up with rules... I pull out some fun activities and remind them of the reasons I’m a bonus!!!  

So, during the first few months-- I relied HEAVILY on my arsenal of activities.  I was still living an hour away and at first I was only visiting with the kids once every two or three weeks.  We wanted to make sure that we were taking it slow, slowly introducing me to them, but that we were also allowing them to still have plenty of time alone with their dad so that they did not feel like they were in competition for attention at any time.  After a couple of months the visits became more frequent.  

Eventually the Hubinator and I began having more serious conversations about our relationship.  We began discussing our future together, the fact that we would like to take the next step, what that would look like, how it would work, etc.  We discussed getting engaged.  At that point my job was also an hour away from where he worked and it would mean either me commuting or me getting a new job if we were to get engaged and if I moved in with him.  I was already commuting 20 minutes to work , but it wasn’t in the direction of the Hubinator.  I was expecting a promotion at work and it happened that things didn’t work out with that promotion based on the projected budget for the upcoming fiscal year when I sat down to talk with my boss.  My boss, however, had heard that I was likely about to get engaged and that I had been doing a lot of driving back and forth and that my life was moving up in the direction of Hubinator’s.  Being the amazing individual that he was, my boss put in a couple of phone calls, along with a few of the other directors, and within a week I was approved for an internal transfer to the YMCA in the city where the Hubinator lived.  Everything was falling into place!!!

Needless to say, this also sort of forced our hand a little bit.  Yes we knew what we wanted, and we had discussed it, but now I had a transfer from work, so I was going to need to move.  We had discussed that it didn’t make sense for me to move into my own place up there, but we also had discussed that we didn’t want me moving into the house without making things official.  So, he had a conversation with the kids about the fact that he intended to propose to me, and asked them for their blessing.  They were excited and gave him that blessing.  At that point, that was all I knew.  He promised it would be very soon.  And with that, I moved and started working at the Y at the beginning of May.  

I worked at the Y for about a month, and then on Father’s Day I arranged for the kiddos to take their dad swimming at the Y, rock climbing, and just have a good old time (because I was working), and then when I got home I’d fix us all Father’s Day dinner.  When I finally did get home I began to fix dinner as planned, and then Hubinator and the kiddos told me they had recorded their rock climbing adventures and really wanted me to come watch.  I was feeling the pressure to get dinner in the oven and was admittedly partially annoyed that this couldn’t wait a little while longer, but finally they convinced me to take a short break.  I went in and sat down on the couch.  

Hubinator started the Dvd player.  Immediately I realized that this was not a rock climbing dvd, this was something very very different.  Kiddo #1 was on the TV, sitting there reading a letter he had written to me, telling me why he liked me, why he felt like I was a good addition to the family, why he loved me, and listing all the things that were special about me.  When he got done it cut to Kiddo #2.  Of course I was already getting choked up and teary eyed.  Then Kiddo #2 began reading a letter she had written with the same theme, same lists.  Her letter told me all of those things, but went on to tell me that I made the house happier, that I made the family the happiest it had been, and that I made her dad the happiest he had been, and in turn that they were happier because he was happier.  She talked about how much she loved having an expert in the house on “girl stuff”, and on bras, nails, and that kind of stuff.  She talked about how much she loved my food.  When she finished, it then cut to the Hubinator.  The Hubinator then began reading his letter to me.  He read a letter which explained to me how he knew he was “on the right path”.  How he essentially knew I was the right one.  All of the little, and big, things that told him that I was “the one”.  At the end of letter he said it’s how he knows he’s on the right path when the three of them get down on one knee and ask me to marry them.  Then the video ended.  The two kiddos and the Hubinator stood up, got down on one knee in front of me, and all together, asked me “will you marry us?”, and the Hubinator pulled out a ring.  Of course I said “YES!!!!!!!!!!!” and smiled, giggled, cried, laughed, hugged, kissed … all of them.  It was by far the BEST way that he could have proposed!  I would have never guessed that anyone would propose to me with their two kids, but, it was perfect in every single way!  

Throughout the course of the summer we continued to enjoy each other, have lots of fun, and do lots and lots of fun activities.  My mom came to visit for a few days and the kids met “Michigan Grandma” for the first time.  Mom loved it, they loved it, and it was altogether an amazing experience.  Fourth of July rolled around and we had a small intimate family party with just the four of us, with red, white, and blue everything, and then we went and saw the fireworks.  It was awesome.  My first Fourth of July as a mom was pretty cool.  Jillian’s Birthday was in August, and I made a turtle cake for her-- that was also pretty exciting and I really enjoyed that.  All in all, the summer was laid back, but a lot of fun.  

And then it was time to go back to school.  I always enjoyed school shopping as a child.  As I became an adult and did my own school shopping in college, and then when I taught college, school shopping was even more fun.  I loved school shopping.  As such, I had this idea in my head that school shopping with the kids was going to be the most amazing, magical, special experience ever.  I won’t go into this in too much detail here, because this is in and of itself a post, but, I will say that I learnt that school shopping with the kids is not all butterflies, unicorns, and magical fairy dust.  Within the first half hour I had already decided that next year we will make a list and I’ll do the majority of it myself for them.  It was-- actually quite painful lol.  By the time we got home, I actually called my own mother and apologized saying “I just took the kids school shopping, and I just want to say, I’m sorry for anything and everything I ever did and put you through every single year you had to take me school shopping”.  Mom just laughed-- knowing exactly what I had experienced.  She said “not exactly the cup of tea you expected, huh?”.  That all said, we survived, and the school year started.  

As the kids started back to school, I had a doctor’s appointment.  Again, I am not going to go into detail, because this too is a separate blog post, but the appointment didn’t go amazingly well, and it became crystal clear within a single day that I needed insurance.  The Hubinator and I had intended to wait a year or two to get married until we could save the money to do it the way we wanted to.  We had agreed, however, that if something happened physically and I needed health insurance, that for pragmatic reasons we would move up the date of the wedding, do it legally, and then have another larger wedding later on the way we wanted to originally.  This is the situation we found ourselves in.  Like we both agreed-- there is no point in saving money to get married the “big way” if someone is dead or really very sick, because she didn’t have the health care she needed to take care of herself up to that point.  

On September 6, 2012, on a warm summer evening, two of our very good friends joined the Hubinator and I as we exchanged vows in a private ceremony under a beautiful old oak tree in a local park downtown.  Afterwards we went out to dinner to celebrate.  While it wasn’t exactly what I had imagined when I was five, it was really perfect in every way.  And, we intend to have larger reception this next summer or sometime soon thereafter where all of our friends and family can join with us to celebrate our commitment to one another.  

Since getting married, things have been going well.  I have had some health challenges, and there have been some rough patches health wise, but I can honestly say that I’m finally starting to feel like I’m climbing back up out of the health holes now.  Thank goodness!  We have gone through another Thanksgiving, this time with the in-laws and the kiddos- and it was as big of a hit, if not better, than last time.  We also made it through another Christmas.  This time we again traveled to Michigan, and the Hubinator met my Dad and his side of the family, in addition to hanging out with my mom’s side of the family again.  Of course, everyone continues to love the Hubinator-- who can blame them-- he really is amazing :).  This year, we got to add all sorts of our own family traditions to Christmas with the kids when we celebrated with them-- we got them on Christmas Day.  It was a lot of fun.  It was my first Christmas being a parent!  As much fun as all of the holidays were though, I can honestly say, I am glad that they are over and my house is back in order now and I can resume normal functioning :).

Finally, on January 1, 2013, I celebrated my one year anniversary with the kiddos.  I made no bake cookies (with gluten free oats since Kiddo #1 has celiac and thus can’t have gluten).  I also made a yummy candied honey mustard ham, with oven fries, and corn.  They loved it.  So, year two is off to a bang!  Hooray!  

History of the Hubinator and Bonus Mom - From “you can’t have children” to “can I be a mom”?

If you’d asked me even five years ago if I was ever going to get married I would have laughed at you.  NOPE I was not going to get married.  Beyond that, I had been told by medical professionals since I was eighteen that I couldn’t have children so I had accepted that a long time ago.  I loved being an aunt because in my mind, my niece and nephews were the only kids that were ever going to be in my life.  I was going to be a pet-mom (as in only have fur-babies), and maybe eventually one day a long time down the road I’d finally settle down enough to get married, but not anytime soon.  I had been in a series of long term relationships.  More than once I had made the mistake of thinking “this is the one” only to realize three years later that this wasn’t the one and to feel like a fool.  I had even been engaged before (twice).  I was pretty certain that it wasn’t for me.  I had decided I was ok going against the social norms and not making babies.  My younger sister was married, my younger brother was married with three kids, I was the eldest unmarried, with no children.  I was doing it different.  

I did it so different that when I decided to stop my “adventure” through graduate school in the third year of my doctoral program due to some serious health issues, and my long term relationship ended about a year later, I decided to move out of state.  I had never lived outside of Michigan.  I was born in Michigan, raised in Michigan, went to school in Michigan, and received my Bachelors, Masters, and attempted a PhD all in Michigan.  I felt like a change was in order.  Illinois had opportunity, and I had friends there, so there was a support system already in place.  I visited first and fell in love with the community instantly, and within nearly moments made my decision that I was moving.  I found a place to rent, packed up my things, and with the help of some very good friends, I was moved and unpacked.  I’m not going to pretend like it was all super easy.  It was an adjustment.  But it was the best decision I could have made.  It was so very necessary.  I definitely did need a change.  I had an amazing support system and group of friends, which continued to grow.  I got a great job working at the local YMCA once I was down there a few months.  

Something else happened pretty soon after I moved though... I met someone.  Within the first few weeks after I moved to Illinois I met the Hubinator (he wasn’t the Hubinator yet back then).  We started talking online and eventually, slowly, got to know one another.  I knew he was divorced, with kids, pretty soon into it.  He knew I was new to the area, having left my PhD program, having left my job, now an artist working for myself.  We both were unique in that we weren’t interested in hiding anything and we weren’t interested in false pretenses.  About two weeks later he asked me out on a date.  We lived about an hour apart so he came to my city and took me out to lunch and then we went on a long walk (in the rain-- which was cute.  Not everyone can pull off making a walk in the rain pleasant, but he did!)  We went back to my apartment and talked some more.  I remember that we had a ton to talk about.  When he left, we both said we’d like to do it again, and we did.  

We continued to date regularly and the frequency grew.  Sometimes he’d come to visit me, sometimes I’d come to visit him.  It worked well for us to share the commute and driving.  He and his ex-wife had a joint custody arrangement with a 3/day rotation so there was always at least 3 days off in between visits, often times a full week or more in the beginning because we didn’t make visits during the week when he was working.  

Fairly early on we both discussed the fact that neither of us thought it was a good idea to introduce the kids to me until we were both very sure that he and I were going to be together for a long time.  We both felt that children experience loss enough, especially when they are coming from situations of divorce.  We didn’t want to be responsible for building a relationship with them, and then being the ones to take that relationship away if something happened between us.   

As time went on, we revisited this discussion and we continually decide for one reason, or another, that the time was not yet right. Admittedly, this was almost always because I freaked out.  The idea of meeting the kids scared the crap out of me.  The fact is that my experience growing up with my first step mom (my dad has remarried twice) wasn’t fantastic.  In fact, it wasn’t good at all.  I didn’t want that for them, or for myself.  I am a logical woman who knew it did not have to be the same thing, but I feared that it could be like that.  In addition, as a society we hear horror stories about crazy ex wives, angry step-children, horrible wicked step-mothers, and I didn’t want to be associated with, or to become, any of those things.  Again, I knew that there were other options and other realities, but I was admittedly scared.  Motherhood is scary.  Step mothering and bonus mothering is terrifying in some of the same and some unique ways.  I say that now as a fact.  But then it was a just a fear.  

When the holidays rolled around, we began to realize it was time to meet one another’s families.  We knew we were serious.  We had been having more serious conversations. We also knew we wanted to do this before we brought the kids into it, just so that it’d be done.  So Thanksgiving we invited his parents to join us for dinner at his house.  It was just the four of us and I fixed a feast.  I cooked for three days.  I love to cook.  We had four pies for four people- literally.  Can we say overkill?  That said, his dad said it was the best meal he had ever eaten in that house... and we’ll just say that I’m not the only wife who lived there :).  So I took that as a very big compliment :D.  Way to hit the first time I met the in-laws out of the ballpark!  (They weren’t the in-laws yet).   Beyond the compliments about food though, his parents and I got along great, and that felt really fantastic.  We decided why not keep the ball going.  Christmas came around and we headed to Michigan where he met my mom and her side of the family.   Everyone loved the Hubinator!  People were pulling me into rooms to tell me how great he was.  My niece and nephews loved him.  My youngest nephew started putting “uncle” in the front of his name automatically-- funny how kids just start doing things like that.  

On our drive back to illinois after visiting the Michigan family, we had another talk about me meeting the kids.  This time we both agreed.  It was time.  We had met each other’s families.  Everyone approved. It was time to meet the kids. We also agreed that the new year would be a great time to do it.  What a way to start a new year-- by bringing in a new person who hopefully would be a new face who was going to be around a lot more, and maybe someday, a WHOLE LOT more (of course we wouldn’t introduce it to the kids quite like that!).  So the Hubinator and I set out to plan a super special day for Jan 1, 2012, where I would meet his kiddos for the first time.  We’d have special food, extra special snacks and treats, I’d do art and crafts (some of my specialties) with them to show them some of the reasons I was cool, and my “selling points” if you will.  Maybe we’d watch a movie together or something.  And then I’d leave and they would continue to hang out with their dad.  

To be continued … in Part two you’ll find out how this first meeting went, and how the first year has turned out for the Hubinator and I.